Safe

“You don’t have to do this, you don’t have to leave.”

------

That old log cabin, the rotting dock, that even if I could still touch the bottom of the lake, I was not allowed to swim past. That place was home, for the summers.

------

Liam is crying. I can hear them yelling outside as Tori helps me gather my items, but all I can focus on are the hands clenching my arms. Her wrinkly, dry, hands, showing their experiences through the tough years, raising two boys, having her husband be away in wars; the strength that they revealed.

------

I think that grandpa loved that place more than any of us combined. Always up with the sun to complete the daily chores before any of the kids were stirring and in that embracing water before we could finish our breakfast. His whistles were all we could hear, just teasing us as we helped grandma clear the table. Running out the door, we always heard that familiar list of rules called out to us as we welcomed that East Barrier sun.

------

I can barely see her face through my foggy eyes but I can feel the confusion, I can feel the weakness in her hands. I look down at my own naïve hands, pause and force myself from her grasp, shaking off the second of guilt of running away.

------

Grandpa’s laugh and silly songs about fishes in the sea rolled up those rotting stairs as we clumsily fell down every other step, grabbing ahold of the railing we had come to be so acquainted with after years of winding down the staircase. His childlike thoughts and mischievous eyes were always the best part of that safe place.

------

As we were piling in the car I didn’t look at him, I couldn’t. He was the only thing that held any comfort; he was the only one that understood. Yet there was no way I would look into those sparkling eyes, because I knew they were dull.

------

In a few years I got a call, and emails, and many messages. He’s gone, is all they would say. All that I could think about in that moment was the last time I saw him, the last thing he heard and the last thing he witnessed. I could not believe that the moment had come. 4 am, life stopped.

------

I kissed my grandma. I told her I loved her, and I ran. Grandpa just watched me run. I didn’t look back, I didn’t say a word.

------

When I was present enough to understand what was going on, I made it across that border as fast as I could. Watching the men cry and punch the casket out of anger and fear I stood, silent. It was when they left, I finally spoke. It was finally just him and me. “You didn’t have to do this. You didn’t have to leave, yet.”

                       

Short Story.

The Expedition

The early day provided boy issues and frustrating family issues, so an adventure was needed. That dark warm summer night had the howl that only sounds when a storm is coming. Ariel was always the most adventurous of us all. The four of us crawled into her little red car, Sarabi as we called it: Ariel and Stephanie up front, Cassandra and me in the back, knees pressed against seats and legs touching. We were ready for the adventure Sarabi was about to take us on.  We made it maybe a mile, before we saw that first great flash. Bright enough for us to see each other’s faces clearly, even at midnight.

We were giddy. Wanting to get a better view we drove until we saw the darkest corner we could find, in a city filled with bright lights skewing our view of the sky that awaited us. We parked and we waited. The first boom rattled the entire car and some of us possibly peed a little bit from the frightening call. With our attention focused on the show that mother nature was providing us, no one noticed the red and blue lights flashing behind us. When the tap of a flashlight against the window came there were no longer any dry panties in the car. I don’t think any of us have screamed that loud before and I don’t think the poor young man in uniform was expecting to see four high school girls in that car. He had us roll down the window and asked if we were okay. We explained that we were just trying to get a better view of the show, and he explained that he was just looking for drug dealers. Considering this was a common dealing corner we all agreed it wasn’t the best place for us to be parked. Once apologies were made and everyone was calm, it was time to head home. That was enough excitement for one night.

Or so we thought. Driving down the long empty road home, we saw a car parked off the side in the distance. As we approached, there, on the hood of that grey SUV were two very naked adults showing the world just how much they love each other. I mean they had the idea, sex during a thunderstorm, yes please. But on the side of a main road, perfectly placed for four innocent high school girls to see them do things, and hear them make noises that none of us had experienced yet? We couldn’t look away, but we couldn’t look straight at them. So we sped past and put all of our energy into just simply getting home.

The excitement of the night must have gotten to us. We were not ready for calm or ordinary, just yet. It was summer, we were young, and the weather was perfect. It was time for skinny-dipping. Ariel had the perfect pool and the perfect way of convincing you to be a rebel, and yes, skinny-dipping was very rebellious for us in those days. We stripped down and jumped in. Splashing and laughing and trying to remember that we were in this together, we forgot all embarrassment, all heartache, all anger we may have been feeling earlier that day. We were on top of the world. We jumped out, our bodies glowing in the night, we ran through the long raspberry fields behind the house. Feeling the dirt between our toes, tasting the sweet red juices, laughing until we fell over. We were feeling the freedom of the couple on the side of the road; we were alive. Every time the lightening came down we paused. Every time the thunder growled we clapped. It was the most magnificent feeling in the world that we thought four high school girls could ever feel. It was a night for adventures, a night for daring expeditions. Mother nature challenged us with her adventurous calls of terror and we accepted. 

Numb

Numb Hands

There she stands breathing in the cold air deep

The look of solid terror begins to show

Images soaring, her mind is about to leap

And there she stands bright eyes of a young doe

Simple words are not enough to express

The pain felt and all the thoughts to take place

And time stood still in the midst of this mess

Quiet breaths with numb hands to hold her face

In this moment it seems all that she once feared

All of the whispers in the dark of night

All of the shadows began to disappear

Those deep quiet breaths as she planned to fight

Holding herself with all that she could

Slowly tears fell, with great strength, there she stood.

Replacement

Replacement for You Learn. 
*for a creative writing class, we had to pick a poem and replace the nouns and adjectives with our own. This was mine. 

After a while I hear the fragile change
Between whispering in the night and calling to a soul,

And I learn that breath doesn't mean life
And quiet doesn't mean peace.

And I begin to understand that softness isn’t pain
And laughter isn’t pure,
And I begin to decide my fate
With my breath steady and my eyes closed
With the strength of a woman, not the boldness of a man,
And I learn to live all my thoughts for today
Because tomorrow's adventure is too unknown for plans
And love has a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while I learn...
That even smiles fade when you hold too tight.
So I steady my feet and hear my own soul,
Instead of holding on someone to bring me life.
And I learn that I really can endure...
That I really am pure
And I really do have life...
And I learn and listen...
With every good-bye I learn.

A Peaceful Place

Here is a little video I did for a class. It is one of my favorite personal works. Not the best video, but it gets the point across....

Dear Demographic - Amber Tamblyn

I’d like to say: 

As a former member of your clique
(and a current member of your representation)
I know it’s hard to be a young woman ages 18-to 24-years-old.

They put you in a time slot
that doesn’t reflect your views
with a ratings system
that doesn’t respect your truths.

Listen:
From one cynical self-hater-by-default to another,
please put down the magazine article that has bored you
into hair extensions and reality television.
Stop with the 20th century redux:

Make your own era. You are not out of your own league.
Fake eyelashes will not get you Ryan Gosling.
Nor will sporting a Barack Obama keychain.

No need to break all the rules:
Just bend them into balloon animals,
give them to your little brothers and sisters.
Show them how silly and cute American culture is.
Time will naturally deflate all of it.

Start mosh-pits in the crowded thoughts of tycoons:
Stir something up with your tongue.
Sip someone else’s logic then spit it out
(preferably when they’re looking).

Taste test your own style. 

Get your mind into the gutter of others:

Search for the things they let go down the drain or threw away.

Everyone’s scared to tell you how they really feel.

Including Oprah.

Stop getting wasted and throwing up
your individuality outside of clubs.
There is no fast food to help you cope with that.

Leave your mark on the world
with something that can’t be chosen from
a tattoo book of Chinese symbols
for the lower back.

Pierce something other than your skin:
When I tell you to think for yourself,
don’t give a shit what I say.

(© 2010 Amber tamblyn)

A letter never sent

I have this box of letters. Letters that I have written, yet I never am able to send. See, there is a time of year, which happens to be right about now, where I start to think about those I miss, those I have lost. Each year there are a few more that I have to add to the list. I know, I know... as you some fall a way others will come along. Still my heart aches for these few people. Friends, family, lovers. So, I start to write a letter. Something to say I'm sorry, I miss you, I love you. Every single letter filled with as much truth and heart possible. The fact that I am pouring my heart out in these letters is not what holds me back from sending them. What holds me back is the thought of, once I send them what will the response be? Will I get a response, and if I do will be full of respect, hatred, love or most of all forgiveness? I start to think of all the possible responses and scare myself into just folding the address letter up and putting it in the box full of unopened letters. Never knowing, never facing that small fear. I guess the reason why I am writing this for the entire internet world to read is because I am curious. I want opinions. What would you do if you received a letter from some one you were once close with? Maybe once loved, once were in love with. Would you want to see their name on the bottom of a love filled letter. Would you judge them, would you forgive them? One day I may build up all of my courage and send these letters, or maybe they will stay unopened in that box for my great-grandchildren to find.

What I want.

It’s the new year, so it is time for new resolutions…to break. So I have been trying to think of what I want to change, what I want to continue doing, and what I want to start doing. So much easier said than done…. I could go with the classic, get back into shape, start attending church regularly again, the ones that we all make and do so well at for about 4 months and then life just kind of gets in the way. The other night at a beautiful ladies wine night with two of the most marvelous young women I know, I was told to make a list. Not a list of resolutions necessarily, but a list of what I am excited for. What do I look forward to come from this year? What do I want to look forward to come from the year? I have been thinking about this, and she did say it can be as broad or as specific as you want, but I am still having trouble with it. I can think of silly little things such as summer time, breaks from school, times that are inevitable to happen. But then I think back on the past years and what I regretted from the year, what I never did, or even tried to accomplish. So I decided to take this opportunity to make a list of, yes, the silly little things that don’t really mean a lot, but also make a list of things that push me to finish them. I have a lot of friends that keep kidding around about “giving zero fucks this year” but I guess I am taking the complete opposite route and taking this chance to give a fuck about what I do. (No offense to you lovely people who’s motto is give zero fucks.) I agree with that, in the sense that don’t care about what other think, this is your life, you live it through you, not others. At the same time I want to give a fuck. I want to feel everything that happens to me. I want to push myself, I want to fall down and get some scrapes but then get right back up and keep going. So. I am taking this list to push myself to care about everything I do. At the same time, I am taking this opportunity as well as the classic motto and not going to care about what people think. Not going to let others get me down about what is on my list if they disagree with me. Moral of the story, this list situation is showing me that I give a fuck about what I want for me. I don’t give a fuck if you disagree.

This is me.

Here I am in my junior year of college, almost a senior standing. And I have no idea what the hell I want to do with my life. Something that I have been thinking a lot about lately is just that…. What the hell do I want to do? It seems so simple yet, I cannot wrap my mind around it. It isn’t that I cannot think of something, it is that I can think of too many things. Now, we all know that I write to get what I want to say, out. So that is what this is about, getting out what I have been thinking for months now. I know that there are people that are going to read this and may be disappointed in me. Parents, sisters, brother, any family, some friends, this next bit is for you. I truly appreciate everything you do, I may not show it like I should, but I truly take everything you say to me strongly to my heart. But I have recently discovered that what I am doing here is what YOU want me to do, and not what I want to do for myself. Please, understand that what I am about to write is all from my heart, and please try to read it as if you were me, or in my situation. This is the best way for me to just get it all out. Your opinion of me is everything to me. So know that this is painful enough to write and to just imagine what you may be thinking. But this is my life. Okay, now for what this is all about…. I have struggled. Struggled a lot. Academics do not come easy for me, like most. I am not one of those people that can study the night before a test and get away with an A not even a C. The hard thing is that I know this, yet I still do it to myself. Maybe it is because I’m just an average 20 year old who is a master at procrastination, or maybe it is possible that I am doing this to myself on purpose. Now bare with me, you may think this is absolutely absurd, but again, this is my heart, you are NOT allowed to judge my heart or soul. I think I may be doing this to myself on purpose. I think it is because I am truly not happy with where I am going, and I just want an excuse out of it, so failing is that excuse, as absolutely horrible as that sounds. I am NOT doing this to myself anymore, and here is why… About a month ago, I went to talk with an advisor about my options, where can I go, what should I do, am I in the right place. She is the one who has turned my life around, I owe some of this to her. But also, I owe it to my mother, who has been telling me this for years, but I always just thought she was saying it because she had to. Also, watching her discover her passion after many years has encouraged me to go after mine. Anyways… this advisor sits me down and the first thing she asks me is, “what do you like to do?” Not academically, but what is your passion, what makes you….you? Let me tell you, I was literally speechless for a moment. I mean, this was the last thing I was expecting. I was expecting to go in, have her tell me the basics, and I would be out in maybe 30 minutes, think again. So, I sit back, and basically speak my soul to this stranger. About an hour and 45 minutes later, I am leaving, with a huge weight off my shoulders. I have been told, that I need to do something that I will be successful at, something that will make me money, and well off. Here’s what I have to say to that… fuck money. It causes pain, war, and all around anger. Yes, I know that in this world it is something that is needed. I will make it there, but I will only be successful at something, if it is something that I can put my heart into. Because that is how I do things. I go into it with my heart. All of it. It’s just how I am. And I think I have been pretty damn successful so far. So, I am now doing this my way. I will take all the advise and help I can get, but please know that I will be successful, I will make a name for myself, but the only way I can do that is my way. I will write, I will love, I will have the passion that the higher power made me with. I will be me. And there is nothing you can do about it. I apologize to so many people, but most importantly to my self, for how long this has taken me to figure out. I have had a quote as my background for quite some time now… “I need to get my shit together.” Well, I think I just did. This is me, this is how I am going to be. I am going to major in what I have passion for. What challenges me, what keeps my passion alive. I will make the money you wish for me to make, but I am going to make it in my own way. Know that when I have a passion, when I have the drive, when I see something I want. I succeed. There have been many situations where you have been able to witness this part of me, if you have been paying attention, so if you have, you know that it is true. I am no longer ashamed of where I am at, I am no longer embarrassed of what I do. I am realizing that this is my life, you can’t make it for me. I have to make the mistakes, I have to find the right way. I still will take advice, I will still need shoulders to lean on once in awhile. But from here on out, I’m going to be me, who I am supposed to be. Not who I thought I needed to be.

We are now at that age where every one is getting married, having babies, becoming adults. It scares the hell out of me. I just got the news that one of my friends, although not very close, I still have such a love for her, is engaged. I immediately started crying. It would be understandable if this were a very best friend or sister to have this kind of reaction; but we are not that close. I sat back and caught my breath, and thought about why I was so overwhelmed with emotion for this beautiful young woman and her soon to be husband. I have known these two for many many years. I have watched some of the ups and downs happen, and realized that their love is exactly what I want. This is why I am feeling so much love and happiness for them. They are the perfect couple. And from watching from the outside, I truly see it. I see the way he looks at her and the way she talks about him. I feel for them, because once, so long ago I had a love like theirs. And it turned out to not be the right thing for me, not at the time But these two, they held on. The fought through everything life threw at them, and they became stronger because of it. I know that, when the time is right, this is what my love will be like. Be together for years, go through so many ups and downs, only to come out stronger, and grow old together in the end. I love that I have relationships to look up to, to know that it is possible, it will happen; one day. I know that it will be many many many years from now, but it still feels so good to have this hope. So I congratulate the two beautiful people, Jess and Daniel, and I say to you, you have a love many of us dream of having. I hope you know how marvelously lucky you are. I'm quite certain you do.

Unstoppable.

I am a free soul. I have always thought this. I have always considered this. But lately, I have truly been feeling it. I have a fire in my heart, in my soul. I will never stay in one spot. If you are in my life, you are slowly beginning to notice this. You are starting to see that I am finding myself, finding who I truly am, who I will become. Life pulls us in so many directions. It is a thrill that only some seek. This is where I seek the freedom I feel. In the adventures that life wants to throw at me. In the past I was known to run or hide from these, viewing them as burdens. Now I embrace it. I am a strong woman, and I am proud. In the past if you stood in my way I would simply stand behind you. Now I will break down that wall that you put up in front of me. My soul is burning. I have a passion that I am so excited to find. And honey, you are not stopping me.
I am finally feeling this, but what am I actually doing about it? I know that I have the strength to do, to get through, whatever I need to. I know that if you show that you are going to stand in my way, the fire, the freedom will rip you a part head to toe and push you over; all this without ever laying a finger on you. My words are stronger than anything or anyone you will ever meet. That added onto this new found fire, I am unstoppable.

Why I write

Life has these moments, where all you can do is just sit down and think, did that really just happen? It’s like you were just slapped in the face by the person you trust the most, and you have no idea why. Moments where, no matter how hard you try, you just cannot stop thinking about your first love and what would happen if things had been different. Times where all you can think about is the pain you are feeling from everything that has happened and is happening in your heart. Life loves to shove your face in every single mistake, every single time you messed up.
Then there are the moments where all you can think about is the beauty that is surrounding you. All you can do is just stare at the water flowing by so peacefully, so gracefully. Moments when you hear that child’s laugh that fills your soul with warmth. When a best friend calls you in the middle of the night and helps you through all the tears that you are loosing, for reasons you will never understand. There are those seconds when you hear that some one has found so much love and happiness they are making it a permanent part of their life and announce their engagement. All you can do is sit down and think, is this really happening. Like you were just filled with all the love you have ever known and pain has never been apart of your soul. There are those moments when you stand up to anger, sadness, pain, and tell it to fuck off. You tell it that you are strong, you show the true you, and show how much love you have and will never forget about.
These, all of these moments, are why I write. I write because there are no words I can verbally use to express myself in certain moments life throws at me. I write to let it out, to show my strength, because I am strong when I am writing. Nothing can hold me back, nothing can interrupt me. When I write, I am not only writing about moments I have experienced, I am writing about what my heart, my soul, every part of my is feeling. I don’t write to offend, I write to inform. I write about situations we all go through, we all feel. I write so that others can relate, so that you know that you are not alone in what you are feeling.

I write to leave an impact.

It is time.

The other night I was having one of those, I cannot sleep, there is way too much on my mind, type of nights. We all love those, right? Ha, not! I thought I was about to explode. You see, I have this memory that has been haunting me for quite some time now. A memory of something that was so long ago, yet my silly little mind continues to bring it to the surface. After playing events and words that were said over and over again, something just came over me. I sat up and said, “That’s it! Time for you to stop haunting me.” Amazingly enough, it left. It ran away so fast that I didn’t even get to say good-bye. I think it is exactly what I needed. I have been trying to say good-bye for too long, it just needed to disappear. I haven’t felt so free of myself in a very long time, and am singing out with joy for feeling this way. I realized that it was me holding on to it, not it holding on to me. Life seems to do this thing to me, where I think that I just need to hold on to something, someone, in order for it or them to stay real; to stay fresh. I think that this night was a “wake-up call.” As cliché as that sounds, I truly believe it to be real. It was all in my mind. So, after realizing this, I took a hold of myself and set things straight between my mind and my heart.
Now just because I say I set myself free from this memory does not mean that I never will think about it again. I just look at it in a different light now. This is something I have come to believe that we all must do. Just step back, take a deep breath and look at what we are holding on to. Is it really that important to be taking over your thoughts, your dreams? I miss this memory, very much, and will continue to, but it does not haunt me. Nor will I ever let it do so, ever, again. It is time to breath, to let go, to move on. It is time for me, and possibly you, it is time to find our souls, to find our peace. It is time to let our minds and our hearts be free from the past.

I am a woman.

Who am I? I was not proud, I was not strong. You changed that my darling. I am a woman, with long graceful fingers. Fingers that can play like the sound of spring. My body, it curves. Curves in the ways of life. Every 28 days I am reminded. Spots of crimson just like that red silk. I can give life and keep this world from dying. You reminded me. These emotions not a burden but a joy. Rising and falling just like the water that falls from the sky. Touching the lips, these luscious lips that can cure any cry. I am proud. Proud of the love I can give. These days you do remind me of the ways I can talk, the ways I can walk. I am proud. Walking with my head so high in the sky, like every star in that sky. My eyes, well you remind me that they sparkle just as bright as those high stars do…up in that big dark sky. As for my strength. It is not visible, tangible, even describable. It is emotional. Strong enough to make an angry child smile and any tough boy cry. Who am I? I am proud, I am strong. I am…a woman.

Memories.

Unable to sleep she gets out of bed.
She walked by his house tonight night.
The moon shining so bright, holding the sky as its prisoner.
She shivers as she sees the boards covering the windows that once gave a light that called all in.
She opens the majestic door.
Walking in, the memories drown her.
Memories of laughter and of happiness.
She remembers the love that they shared so long ago.
Now white sheets cover the once beautiful, once alive, furniture.
Unable to sense the mystery of the home,
She closes her eyes.
Listening carefully she hears the sounds of all the guests that were there that horrid night.
All in white, dancing in every corner.
A tear streams down her cheek as she remember the events that happened so fast.
She remembers the fear she saw in ever single eye.
Closing the door behind her, she closes the door on the pain.
Looking up to the clear, powerful night sky, she says a prayer.
Sitting down on the steps she remembers one last time.

My brother.

Times are rough. We make mistakes, we face our fears. We ride this roller coaster we call life. We hold on with all our being. Don't take for granted this love I hold for you. The past is in the past. I have always been there, I will always be standing right by your side. Blood runs thick through our veins. Blood that we share. This blood that we share with many, but none that understand what we feel. Hold on tight to this love I have for you. Always remember that you are in my thoughts every single day of this life. I don't know all that has been done. I don't know all that will come to be. One thing that I am for sure of with all my soul is that you share my blood. That will never change. Family is forever. I know that you have heard this many times. I know that we both have been uncertain many times. It is more true than you will ever know. When it feels that all is lost, that you have nothing left to live for... I plea that you will remember me. Remember that I care. That I will never stop caring. Never give up hope. Know that life could always be worse. Know that there is always light at the end... you just cannot give up. Know that I am holding your hand every step of the way and I will not let go until the day I die.

Haunting eyes

The words that he doesn’t say,
those are the words that she hears louder than any spoken line.

She looks into his eyes when he has no idea she is looking.
She reads between the lines.

The words that he doesn’t say.

She can see how he loves her… how he misses her.

Her mind flowing with thoughts of pain, thoughts of old times, thoughts of love and growth.

He lets his life go on, trying to forget the way his heart aches. He hides that loss, the loss that she sees.

Unknowingly she holds on.
She holds on with dear life. Thriving on every look she can get.

She can see so many things in those haunting eyes.

Words that she knows she should hear, but is so afraid to truly hear.

He feels her presence as she watches him, trying to feed his mind with words of sorrow. Words of love. Words of passion.

The words she sees stay strong in her mind.

But the kiss in his eyes haunts her even more.

My soul will never stop dancing for you.

Open your eyes, my friend. Look at what you are missing. Look at the hearts you have hurt. Some that loved you most, now flinch in terror at your name. What happened? Don't tell me life. Tell me what really happened. 

Things have changed. Things will continue changing. It is apart of life right? Then why is it so damn hard? Why does it kill me to be in a room full of people who are so loving, so close, such a big part of my life but yet I have this feeling, this aching feeling of jealousy? Jealousy of their relationships. Jealousy of their memories. I cannot help but think... I used to have this, I used to be in a group this close. What happened? I know, I know... life happened, right? 

How can a group that was once so close barely even talk any more? Aren't true friends supposed to stick by your side no matter what? Doesn't a relationship take both sides? 

I have tried. I have tried my hardest to keep relationships alive and strong but a heart can only take so much. Now I sit back, waiting for that phone call, for that email, text... whatever. Just some sort of a reach out... just some sort of a " I still care." But I keep sitting.

Alone.

But not alone.

I have these amazing people around me. But the relationships we share are still so new... so fresh. Still in the beginning... still figuring out what is right, what is to far. 

This heart of mine is a blessing, but at the same time such a burden. 

I cannot let go. I still think of relationships that ended years ago. It is not because I am afraid of change. I have found that I thrive on change. I need change...

It is because I value, I care, I love.

I love with all I have. It is who I am. Sometimes it is too strong. But get used to it. Feel it. Soak it up. It may be a love that only I can show. Even if we haven't talked in years. I am always here.

Always here. 

You can let me sit here. In my peace of love. You can let me sit here while my soul dances, but when you come crawling back, I will be here. My heart will never close. My soul will never stop dancing for you. My heart will never shut down. 

They act like they are too good for me, for many. All I can think is that, one day you will realize how fucked up your views are. One day you will realize what love you have been missing out on. It may not be my specific love that you come to realize you are missing, but you shut out so many that do not walk your walk. 

True, life gives us these pains. But there is more to the story than "life."

So tell your story.... what really happened. 

You Learn

**not my writing but I love this.




After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn...
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth...
And you learn and learn...
With every good-bye you learn.




Jorge Luis Borges
Translation by Veronica A. Shoffstall

Old friend.

I had a dream about you last night.
It was nice, it was warm. We were at the beach and we were walking in the water. You took me by the hands and swung me around. Up, and out of the waves. We were laughing. We were happy. Everyone was there.

I have dreams about you a lot. Dreams that mean more to me than I could ever say. A love that strong never dies. You were my best friend. I wish with all my heart that I could get that back. But I know that I cannot.

We move on, we all move on. It is apart of life. I will never let you go. I will never forget the happy moments, like this dream shows. I hope that one day we can be close again. I hope that one day you will truly share your heart with me.

All these hopes, I can write. All these dreams I can pray, will one day come true. I am and will always be here. I always have. I'm sorry that we both forgot that.

I sit here tonight, dreaming that one day we will have a love if not as strong as it used to be, strong enough to keep us close. I sit here waiting for you to reach out. I have reached almost as far as my soul will let me. One day I will be able to reach no further. I hope that you grab on before that day comes upon us. My dear, old, friend.









**I feel I must make one thing clear. This post is not about a single person. It is about multiple. Multiple relationships all different in their own way.