A Peaceful Place

Here is a little video I did for a class. It is one of my favorite personal works. Not the best video, but it gets the point across....

Dear Demographic - Amber Tamblyn

I’d like to say: 

As a former member of your clique
(and a current member of your representation)
I know it’s hard to be a young woman ages 18-to 24-years-old.

They put you in a time slot
that doesn’t reflect your views
with a ratings system
that doesn’t respect your truths.

Listen:
From one cynical self-hater-by-default to another,
please put down the magazine article that has bored you
into hair extensions and reality television.
Stop with the 20th century redux:

Make your own era. You are not out of your own league.
Fake eyelashes will not get you Ryan Gosling.
Nor will sporting a Barack Obama keychain.

No need to break all the rules:
Just bend them into balloon animals,
give them to your little brothers and sisters.
Show them how silly and cute American culture is.
Time will naturally deflate all of it.

Start mosh-pits in the crowded thoughts of tycoons:
Stir something up with your tongue.
Sip someone else’s logic then spit it out
(preferably when they’re looking).

Taste test your own style. 

Get your mind into the gutter of others:

Search for the things they let go down the drain or threw away.

Everyone’s scared to tell you how they really feel.

Including Oprah.

Stop getting wasted and throwing up
your individuality outside of clubs.
There is no fast food to help you cope with that.

Leave your mark on the world
with something that can’t be chosen from
a tattoo book of Chinese symbols
for the lower back.

Pierce something other than your skin:
When I tell you to think for yourself,
don’t give a shit what I say.

(© 2010 Amber tamblyn)

A letter never sent

I have this box of letters. Letters that I have written, yet I never am able to send. See, there is a time of year, which happens to be right about now, where I start to think about those I miss, those I have lost. Each year there are a few more that I have to add to the list. I know, I know... as you some fall a way others will come along. Still my heart aches for these few people. Friends, family, lovers. So, I start to write a letter. Something to say I'm sorry, I miss you, I love you. Every single letter filled with as much truth and heart possible. The fact that I am pouring my heart out in these letters is not what holds me back from sending them. What holds me back is the thought of, once I send them what will the response be? Will I get a response, and if I do will be full of respect, hatred, love or most of all forgiveness? I start to think of all the possible responses and scare myself into just folding the address letter up and putting it in the box full of unopened letters. Never knowing, never facing that small fear. I guess the reason why I am writing this for the entire internet world to read is because I am curious. I want opinions. What would you do if you received a letter from some one you were once close with? Maybe once loved, once were in love with. Would you want to see their name on the bottom of a love filled letter. Would you judge them, would you forgive them? One day I may build up all of my courage and send these letters, or maybe they will stay unopened in that box for my great-grandchildren to find.

What I want.

It’s the new year, so it is time for new resolutions…to break. So I have been trying to think of what I want to change, what I want to continue doing, and what I want to start doing. So much easier said than done…. I could go with the classic, get back into shape, start attending church regularly again, the ones that we all make and do so well at for about 4 months and then life just kind of gets in the way. The other night at a beautiful ladies wine night with two of the most marvelous young women I know, I was told to make a list. Not a list of resolutions necessarily, but a list of what I am excited for. What do I look forward to come from this year? What do I want to look forward to come from the year? I have been thinking about this, and she did say it can be as broad or as specific as you want, but I am still having trouble with it. I can think of silly little things such as summer time, breaks from school, times that are inevitable to happen. But then I think back on the past years and what I regretted from the year, what I never did, or even tried to accomplish. So I decided to take this opportunity to make a list of, yes, the silly little things that don’t really mean a lot, but also make a list of things that push me to finish them. I have a lot of friends that keep kidding around about “giving zero fucks this year” but I guess I am taking the complete opposite route and taking this chance to give a fuck about what I do. (No offense to you lovely people who’s motto is give zero fucks.) I agree with that, in the sense that don’t care about what other think, this is your life, you live it through you, not others. At the same time I want to give a fuck. I want to feel everything that happens to me. I want to push myself, I want to fall down and get some scrapes but then get right back up and keep going. So. I am taking this list to push myself to care about everything I do. At the same time, I am taking this opportunity as well as the classic motto and not going to care about what people think. Not going to let others get me down about what is on my list if they disagree with me. Moral of the story, this list situation is showing me that I give a fuck about what I want for me. I don’t give a fuck if you disagree.

This is me.

Here I am in my junior year of college, almost a senior standing. And I have no idea what the hell I want to do with my life. Something that I have been thinking a lot about lately is just that…. What the hell do I want to do? It seems so simple yet, I cannot wrap my mind around it. It isn’t that I cannot think of something, it is that I can think of too many things. Now, we all know that I write to get what I want to say, out. So that is what this is about, getting out what I have been thinking for months now. I know that there are people that are going to read this and may be disappointed in me. Parents, sisters, brother, any family, some friends, this next bit is for you. I truly appreciate everything you do, I may not show it like I should, but I truly take everything you say to me strongly to my heart. But I have recently discovered that what I am doing here is what YOU want me to do, and not what I want to do for myself. Please, understand that what I am about to write is all from my heart, and please try to read it as if you were me, or in my situation. This is the best way for me to just get it all out. Your opinion of me is everything to me. So know that this is painful enough to write and to just imagine what you may be thinking. But this is my life. Okay, now for what this is all about…. I have struggled. Struggled a lot. Academics do not come easy for me, like most. I am not one of those people that can study the night before a test and get away with an A not even a C. The hard thing is that I know this, yet I still do it to myself. Maybe it is because I’m just an average 20 year old who is a master at procrastination, or maybe it is possible that I am doing this to myself on purpose. Now bare with me, you may think this is absolutely absurd, but again, this is my heart, you are NOT allowed to judge my heart or soul. I think I may be doing this to myself on purpose. I think it is because I am truly not happy with where I am going, and I just want an excuse out of it, so failing is that excuse, as absolutely horrible as that sounds. I am NOT doing this to myself anymore, and here is why… About a month ago, I went to talk with an advisor about my options, where can I go, what should I do, am I in the right place. She is the one who has turned my life around, I owe some of this to her. But also, I owe it to my mother, who has been telling me this for years, but I always just thought she was saying it because she had to. Also, watching her discover her passion after many years has encouraged me to go after mine. Anyways… this advisor sits me down and the first thing she asks me is, “what do you like to do?” Not academically, but what is your passion, what makes you….you? Let me tell you, I was literally speechless for a moment. I mean, this was the last thing I was expecting. I was expecting to go in, have her tell me the basics, and I would be out in maybe 30 minutes, think again. So, I sit back, and basically speak my soul to this stranger. About an hour and 45 minutes later, I am leaving, with a huge weight off my shoulders. I have been told, that I need to do something that I will be successful at, something that will make me money, and well off. Here’s what I have to say to that… fuck money. It causes pain, war, and all around anger. Yes, I know that in this world it is something that is needed. I will make it there, but I will only be successful at something, if it is something that I can put my heart into. Because that is how I do things. I go into it with my heart. All of it. It’s just how I am. And I think I have been pretty damn successful so far. So, I am now doing this my way. I will take all the advise and help I can get, but please know that I will be successful, I will make a name for myself, but the only way I can do that is my way. I will write, I will love, I will have the passion that the higher power made me with. I will be me. And there is nothing you can do about it. I apologize to so many people, but most importantly to my self, for how long this has taken me to figure out. I have had a quote as my background for quite some time now… “I need to get my shit together.” Well, I think I just did. This is me, this is how I am going to be. I am going to major in what I have passion for. What challenges me, what keeps my passion alive. I will make the money you wish for me to make, but I am going to make it in my own way. Know that when I have a passion, when I have the drive, when I see something I want. I succeed. There have been many situations where you have been able to witness this part of me, if you have been paying attention, so if you have, you know that it is true. I am no longer ashamed of where I am at, I am no longer embarrassed of what I do. I am realizing that this is my life, you can’t make it for me. I have to make the mistakes, I have to find the right way. I still will take advice, I will still need shoulders to lean on once in awhile. But from here on out, I’m going to be me, who I am supposed to be. Not who I thought I needed to be.

We are now at that age where every one is getting married, having babies, becoming adults. It scares the hell out of me. I just got the news that one of my friends, although not very close, I still have such a love for her, is engaged. I immediately started crying. It would be understandable if this were a very best friend or sister to have this kind of reaction; but we are not that close. I sat back and caught my breath, and thought about why I was so overwhelmed with emotion for this beautiful young woman and her soon to be husband. I have known these two for many many years. I have watched some of the ups and downs happen, and realized that their love is exactly what I want. This is why I am feeling so much love and happiness for them. They are the perfect couple. And from watching from the outside, I truly see it. I see the way he looks at her and the way she talks about him. I feel for them, because once, so long ago I had a love like theirs. And it turned out to not be the right thing for me, not at the time But these two, they held on. The fought through everything life threw at them, and they became stronger because of it. I know that, when the time is right, this is what my love will be like. Be together for years, go through so many ups and downs, only to come out stronger, and grow old together in the end. I love that I have relationships to look up to, to know that it is possible, it will happen; one day. I know that it will be many many many years from now, but it still feels so good to have this hope. So I congratulate the two beautiful people, Jess and Daniel, and I say to you, you have a love many of us dream of having. I hope you know how marvelously lucky you are. I'm quite certain you do.

Unstoppable.

I am a free soul. I have always thought this. I have always considered this. But lately, I have truly been feeling it. I have a fire in my heart, in my soul. I will never stay in one spot. If you are in my life, you are slowly beginning to notice this. You are starting to see that I am finding myself, finding who I truly am, who I will become. Life pulls us in so many directions. It is a thrill that only some seek. This is where I seek the freedom I feel. In the adventures that life wants to throw at me. In the past I was known to run or hide from these, viewing them as burdens. Now I embrace it. I am a strong woman, and I am proud. In the past if you stood in my way I would simply stand behind you. Now I will break down that wall that you put up in front of me. My soul is burning. I have a passion that I am so excited to find. And honey, you are not stopping me.
I am finally feeling this, but what am I actually doing about it? I know that I have the strength to do, to get through, whatever I need to. I know that if you show that you are going to stand in my way, the fire, the freedom will rip you a part head to toe and push you over; all this without ever laying a finger on you. My words are stronger than anything or anyone you will ever meet. That added onto this new found fire, I am unstoppable.