This is me.

Here I am in my junior year of college, almost a senior standing. And I have no idea what the hell I want to do with my life. Something that I have been thinking a lot about lately is just that…. What the hell do I want to do? It seems so simple yet, I cannot wrap my mind around it. It isn’t that I cannot think of something, it is that I can think of too many things. Now, we all know that I write to get what I want to say, out. So that is what this is about, getting out what I have been thinking for months now. I know that there are people that are going to read this and may be disappointed in me. Parents, sisters, brother, any family, some friends, this next bit is for you. I truly appreciate everything you do, I may not show it like I should, but I truly take everything you say to me strongly to my heart. But I have recently discovered that what I am doing here is what YOU want me to do, and not what I want to do for myself. Please, understand that what I am about to write is all from my heart, and please try to read it as if you were me, or in my situation. This is the best way for me to just get it all out. Your opinion of me is everything to me. So know that this is painful enough to write and to just imagine what you may be thinking. But this is my life. Okay, now for what this is all about…. I have struggled. Struggled a lot. Academics do not come easy for me, like most. I am not one of those people that can study the night before a test and get away with an A not even a C. The hard thing is that I know this, yet I still do it to myself. Maybe it is because I’m just an average 20 year old who is a master at procrastination, or maybe it is possible that I am doing this to myself on purpose. Now bare with me, you may think this is absolutely absurd, but again, this is my heart, you are NOT allowed to judge my heart or soul. I think I may be doing this to myself on purpose. I think it is because I am truly not happy with where I am going, and I just want an excuse out of it, so failing is that excuse, as absolutely horrible as that sounds. I am NOT doing this to myself anymore, and here is why… About a month ago, I went to talk with an advisor about my options, where can I go, what should I do, am I in the right place. She is the one who has turned my life around, I owe some of this to her. But also, I owe it to my mother, who has been telling me this for years, but I always just thought she was saying it because she had to. Also, watching her discover her passion after many years has encouraged me to go after mine. Anyways… this advisor sits me down and the first thing she asks me is, “what do you like to do?” Not academically, but what is your passion, what makes you….you? Let me tell you, I was literally speechless for a moment. I mean, this was the last thing I was expecting. I was expecting to go in, have her tell me the basics, and I would be out in maybe 30 minutes, think again. So, I sit back, and basically speak my soul to this stranger. About an hour and 45 minutes later, I am leaving, with a huge weight off my shoulders. I have been told, that I need to do something that I will be successful at, something that will make me money, and well off. Here’s what I have to say to that… fuck money. It causes pain, war, and all around anger. Yes, I know that in this world it is something that is needed. I will make it there, but I will only be successful at something, if it is something that I can put my heart into. Because that is how I do things. I go into it with my heart. All of it. It’s just how I am. And I think I have been pretty damn successful so far. So, I am now doing this my way. I will take all the advise and help I can get, but please know that I will be successful, I will make a name for myself, but the only way I can do that is my way. I will write, I will love, I will have the passion that the higher power made me with. I will be me. And there is nothing you can do about it. I apologize to so many people, but most importantly to my self, for how long this has taken me to figure out. I have had a quote as my background for quite some time now… “I need to get my shit together.” Well, I think I just did. This is me, this is how I am going to be. I am going to major in what I have passion for. What challenges me, what keeps my passion alive. I will make the money you wish for me to make, but I am going to make it in my own way. Know that when I have a passion, when I have the drive, when I see something I want. I succeed. There have been many situations where you have been able to witness this part of me, if you have been paying attention, so if you have, you know that it is true. I am no longer ashamed of where I am at, I am no longer embarrassed of what I do. I am realizing that this is my life, you can’t make it for me. I have to make the mistakes, I have to find the right way. I still will take advice, I will still need shoulders to lean on once in awhile. But from here on out, I’m going to be me, who I am supposed to be. Not who I thought I needed to be.

We are now at that age where every one is getting married, having babies, becoming adults. It scares the hell out of me. I just got the news that one of my friends, although not very close, I still have such a love for her, is engaged. I immediately started crying. It would be understandable if this were a very best friend or sister to have this kind of reaction; but we are not that close. I sat back and caught my breath, and thought about why I was so overwhelmed with emotion for this beautiful young woman and her soon to be husband. I have known these two for many many years. I have watched some of the ups and downs happen, and realized that their love is exactly what I want. This is why I am feeling so much love and happiness for them. They are the perfect couple. And from watching from the outside, I truly see it. I see the way he looks at her and the way she talks about him. I feel for them, because once, so long ago I had a love like theirs. And it turned out to not be the right thing for me, not at the time But these two, they held on. The fought through everything life threw at them, and they became stronger because of it. I know that, when the time is right, this is what my love will be like. Be together for years, go through so many ups and downs, only to come out stronger, and grow old together in the end. I love that I have relationships to look up to, to know that it is possible, it will happen; one day. I know that it will be many many many years from now, but it still feels so good to have this hope. So I congratulate the two beautiful people, Jess and Daniel, and I say to you, you have a love many of us dream of having. I hope you know how marvelously lucky you are. I'm quite certain you do.

Unstoppable.

I am a free soul. I have always thought this. I have always considered this. But lately, I have truly been feeling it. I have a fire in my heart, in my soul. I will never stay in one spot. If you are in my life, you are slowly beginning to notice this. You are starting to see that I am finding myself, finding who I truly am, who I will become. Life pulls us in so many directions. It is a thrill that only some seek. This is where I seek the freedom I feel. In the adventures that life wants to throw at me. In the past I was known to run or hide from these, viewing them as burdens. Now I embrace it. I am a strong woman, and I am proud. In the past if you stood in my way I would simply stand behind you. Now I will break down that wall that you put up in front of me. My soul is burning. I have a passion that I am so excited to find. And honey, you are not stopping me.
I am finally feeling this, but what am I actually doing about it? I know that I have the strength to do, to get through, whatever I need to. I know that if you show that you are going to stand in my way, the fire, the freedom will rip you a part head to toe and push you over; all this without ever laying a finger on you. My words are stronger than anything or anyone you will ever meet. That added onto this new found fire, I am unstoppable.

Why I write

Life has these moments, where all you can do is just sit down and think, did that really just happen? It’s like you were just slapped in the face by the person you trust the most, and you have no idea why. Moments where, no matter how hard you try, you just cannot stop thinking about your first love and what would happen if things had been different. Times where all you can think about is the pain you are feeling from everything that has happened and is happening in your heart. Life loves to shove your face in every single mistake, every single time you messed up.
Then there are the moments where all you can think about is the beauty that is surrounding you. All you can do is just stare at the water flowing by so peacefully, so gracefully. Moments when you hear that child’s laugh that fills your soul with warmth. When a best friend calls you in the middle of the night and helps you through all the tears that you are loosing, for reasons you will never understand. There are those seconds when you hear that some one has found so much love and happiness they are making it a permanent part of their life and announce their engagement. All you can do is sit down and think, is this really happening. Like you were just filled with all the love you have ever known and pain has never been apart of your soul. There are those moments when you stand up to anger, sadness, pain, and tell it to fuck off. You tell it that you are strong, you show the true you, and show how much love you have and will never forget about.
These, all of these moments, are why I write. I write because there are no words I can verbally use to express myself in certain moments life throws at me. I write to let it out, to show my strength, because I am strong when I am writing. Nothing can hold me back, nothing can interrupt me. When I write, I am not only writing about moments I have experienced, I am writing about what my heart, my soul, every part of my is feeling. I don’t write to offend, I write to inform. I write about situations we all go through, we all feel. I write so that others can relate, so that you know that you are not alone in what you are feeling.

I write to leave an impact.

It is time.

The other night I was having one of those, I cannot sleep, there is way too much on my mind, type of nights. We all love those, right? Ha, not! I thought I was about to explode. You see, I have this memory that has been haunting me for quite some time now. A memory of something that was so long ago, yet my silly little mind continues to bring it to the surface. After playing events and words that were said over and over again, something just came over me. I sat up and said, “That’s it! Time for you to stop haunting me.” Amazingly enough, it left. It ran away so fast that I didn’t even get to say good-bye. I think it is exactly what I needed. I have been trying to say good-bye for too long, it just needed to disappear. I haven’t felt so free of myself in a very long time, and am singing out with joy for feeling this way. I realized that it was me holding on to it, not it holding on to me. Life seems to do this thing to me, where I think that I just need to hold on to something, someone, in order for it or them to stay real; to stay fresh. I think that this night was a “wake-up call.” As cliché as that sounds, I truly believe it to be real. It was all in my mind. So, after realizing this, I took a hold of myself and set things straight between my mind and my heart.
Now just because I say I set myself free from this memory does not mean that I never will think about it again. I just look at it in a different light now. This is something I have come to believe that we all must do. Just step back, take a deep breath and look at what we are holding on to. Is it really that important to be taking over your thoughts, your dreams? I miss this memory, very much, and will continue to, but it does not haunt me. Nor will I ever let it do so, ever, again. It is time to breath, to let go, to move on. It is time for me, and possibly you, it is time to find our souls, to find our peace. It is time to let our minds and our hearts be free from the past.

I am a woman.

Who am I? I was not proud, I was not strong. You changed that my darling. I am a woman, with long graceful fingers. Fingers that can play like the sound of spring. My body, it curves. Curves in the ways of life. Every 28 days I am reminded. Spots of crimson just like that red silk. I can give life and keep this world from dying. You reminded me. These emotions not a burden but a joy. Rising and falling just like the water that falls from the sky. Touching the lips, these luscious lips that can cure any cry. I am proud. Proud of the love I can give. These days you do remind me of the ways I can talk, the ways I can walk. I am proud. Walking with my head so high in the sky, like every star in that sky. My eyes, well you remind me that they sparkle just as bright as those high stars do…up in that big dark sky. As for my strength. It is not visible, tangible, even describable. It is emotional. Strong enough to make an angry child smile and any tough boy cry. Who am I? I am proud, I am strong. I am…a woman.