A letter never sent

I have this box of letters. Letters that I have written, yet I never am able to send. See, there is a time of year, which happens to be right about now, where I start to think about those I miss, those I have lost. Each year there are a few more that I have to add to the list. I know, I know... as you some fall a way others will come along. Still my heart aches for these few people. Friends, family, lovers. So, I start to write a letter. Something to say I'm sorry, I miss you, I love you. Every single letter filled with as much truth and heart possible. The fact that I am pouring my heart out in these letters is not what holds me back from sending them. What holds me back is the thought of, once I send them what will the response be? Will I get a response, and if I do will be full of respect, hatred, love or most of all forgiveness? I start to think of all the possible responses and scare myself into just folding the address letter up and putting it in the box full of unopened letters. Never knowing, never facing that small fear. I guess the reason why I am writing this for the entire internet world to read is because I am curious. I want opinions. What would you do if you received a letter from some one you were once close with? Maybe once loved, once were in love with. Would you want to see their name on the bottom of a love filled letter. Would you judge them, would you forgive them? One day I may build up all of my courage and send these letters, or maybe they will stay unopened in that box for my great-grandchildren to find.

What I want.

It’s the new year, so it is time for new resolutions…to break. So I have been trying to think of what I want to change, what I want to continue doing, and what I want to start doing. So much easier said than done…. I could go with the classic, get back into shape, start attending church regularly again, the ones that we all make and do so well at for about 4 months and then life just kind of gets in the way. The other night at a beautiful ladies wine night with two of the most marvelous young women I know, I was told to make a list. Not a list of resolutions necessarily, but a list of what I am excited for. What do I look forward to come from this year? What do I want to look forward to come from the year? I have been thinking about this, and she did say it can be as broad or as specific as you want, but I am still having trouble with it. I can think of silly little things such as summer time, breaks from school, times that are inevitable to happen. But then I think back on the past years and what I regretted from the year, what I never did, or even tried to accomplish. So I decided to take this opportunity to make a list of, yes, the silly little things that don’t really mean a lot, but also make a list of things that push me to finish them. I have a lot of friends that keep kidding around about “giving zero fucks this year” but I guess I am taking the complete opposite route and taking this chance to give a fuck about what I do. (No offense to you lovely people who’s motto is give zero fucks.) I agree with that, in the sense that don’t care about what other think, this is your life, you live it through you, not others. At the same time I want to give a fuck. I want to feel everything that happens to me. I want to push myself, I want to fall down and get some scrapes but then get right back up and keep going. So. I am taking this list to push myself to care about everything I do. At the same time, I am taking this opportunity as well as the classic motto and not going to care about what people think. Not going to let others get me down about what is on my list if they disagree with me. Moral of the story, this list situation is showing me that I give a fuck about what I want for me. I don’t give a fuck if you disagree.