Memories.

Unable to sleep she gets out of bed.
She walked by his house tonight night.
The moon shining so bright, holding the sky as its prisoner.
She shivers as she sees the boards covering the windows that once gave a light that called all in.
She opens the majestic door.
Walking in, the memories drown her.
Memories of laughter and of happiness.
She remembers the love that they shared so long ago.
Now white sheets cover the once beautiful, once alive, furniture.
Unable to sense the mystery of the home,
She closes her eyes.
Listening carefully she hears the sounds of all the guests that were there that horrid night.
All in white, dancing in every corner.
A tear streams down her cheek as she remember the events that happened so fast.
She remembers the fear she saw in ever single eye.
Closing the door behind her, she closes the door on the pain.
Looking up to the clear, powerful night sky, she says a prayer.
Sitting down on the steps she remembers one last time.

My brother.

Times are rough. We make mistakes, we face our fears. We ride this roller coaster we call life. We hold on with all our being. Don't take for granted this love I hold for you. The past is in the past. I have always been there, I will always be standing right by your side. Blood runs thick through our veins. Blood that we share. This blood that we share with many, but none that understand what we feel. Hold on tight to this love I have for you. Always remember that you are in my thoughts every single day of this life. I don't know all that has been done. I don't know all that will come to be. One thing that I am for sure of with all my soul is that you share my blood. That will never change. Family is forever. I know that you have heard this many times. I know that we both have been uncertain many times. It is more true than you will ever know. When it feels that all is lost, that you have nothing left to live for... I plea that you will remember me. Remember that I care. That I will never stop caring. Never give up hope. Know that life could always be worse. Know that there is always light at the end... you just cannot give up. Know that I am holding your hand every step of the way and I will not let go until the day I die.

Haunting eyes

The words that he doesn’t say,
those are the words that she hears louder than any spoken line.

She looks into his eyes when he has no idea she is looking.
She reads between the lines.

The words that he doesn’t say.

She can see how he loves her… how he misses her.

Her mind flowing with thoughts of pain, thoughts of old times, thoughts of love and growth.

He lets his life go on, trying to forget the way his heart aches. He hides that loss, the loss that she sees.

Unknowingly she holds on.
She holds on with dear life. Thriving on every look she can get.

She can see so many things in those haunting eyes.

Words that she knows she should hear, but is so afraid to truly hear.

He feels her presence as she watches him, trying to feed his mind with words of sorrow. Words of love. Words of passion.

The words she sees stay strong in her mind.

But the kiss in his eyes haunts her even more.

My soul will never stop dancing for you.

Open your eyes, my friend. Look at what you are missing. Look at the hearts you have hurt. Some that loved you most, now flinch in terror at your name. What happened? Don't tell me life. Tell me what really happened. 

Things have changed. Things will continue changing. It is apart of life right? Then why is it so damn hard? Why does it kill me to be in a room full of people who are so loving, so close, such a big part of my life but yet I have this feeling, this aching feeling of jealousy? Jealousy of their relationships. Jealousy of their memories. I cannot help but think... I used to have this, I used to be in a group this close. What happened? I know, I know... life happened, right? 

How can a group that was once so close barely even talk any more? Aren't true friends supposed to stick by your side no matter what? Doesn't a relationship take both sides? 

I have tried. I have tried my hardest to keep relationships alive and strong but a heart can only take so much. Now I sit back, waiting for that phone call, for that email, text... whatever. Just some sort of a reach out... just some sort of a " I still care." But I keep sitting.

Alone.

But not alone.

I have these amazing people around me. But the relationships we share are still so new... so fresh. Still in the beginning... still figuring out what is right, what is to far. 

This heart of mine is a blessing, but at the same time such a burden. 

I cannot let go. I still think of relationships that ended years ago. It is not because I am afraid of change. I have found that I thrive on change. I need change...

It is because I value, I care, I love.

I love with all I have. It is who I am. Sometimes it is too strong. But get used to it. Feel it. Soak it up. It may be a love that only I can show. Even if we haven't talked in years. I am always here.

Always here. 

You can let me sit here. In my peace of love. You can let me sit here while my soul dances, but when you come crawling back, I will be here. My heart will never close. My soul will never stop dancing for you. My heart will never shut down. 

They act like they are too good for me, for many. All I can think is that, one day you will realize how fucked up your views are. One day you will realize what love you have been missing out on. It may not be my specific love that you come to realize you are missing, but you shut out so many that do not walk your walk. 

True, life gives us these pains. But there is more to the story than "life."

So tell your story.... what really happened. 

You Learn

**not my writing but I love this.




After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn...
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth...
And you learn and learn...
With every good-bye you learn.




Jorge Luis Borges
Translation by Veronica A. Shoffstall

Old friend.

I had a dream about you last night.
It was nice, it was warm. We were at the beach and we were walking in the water. You took me by the hands and swung me around. Up, and out of the waves. We were laughing. We were happy. Everyone was there.

I have dreams about you a lot. Dreams that mean more to me than I could ever say. A love that strong never dies. You were my best friend. I wish with all my heart that I could get that back. But I know that I cannot.

We move on, we all move on. It is apart of life. I will never let you go. I will never forget the happy moments, like this dream shows. I hope that one day we can be close again. I hope that one day you will truly share your heart with me.

All these hopes, I can write. All these dreams I can pray, will one day come true. I am and will always be here. I always have. I'm sorry that we both forgot that.

I sit here tonight, dreaming that one day we will have a love if not as strong as it used to be, strong enough to keep us close. I sit here waiting for you to reach out. I have reached almost as far as my soul will let me. One day I will be able to reach no further. I hope that you grab on before that day comes upon us. My dear, old, friend.









**I feel I must make one thing clear. This post is not about a single person. It is about multiple. Multiple relationships all different in their own way.

I am not sorry.

When I write, I do not write lightly. I am going to write what is on my mind, what is on my heart. It may be overwhelming, especially for those who know it is about them. My emotions are strong, stronger than most. Or maybe I just show them, when others hold them in. I have apologized many times, but I want to clear some things up. I am not sorry. Why should I apologize for what I feel? No one can control how they feel, what they feel. As much as we want to, as much as we try to, we can't. All things pass with time, sure, but sometimes that time is years. No one should hold things in, it is not good for your mind, your heart, or your soul. We all must find a way to get certain feelings out. Trust me, you will feel a hell of a lot better. My way is to write. I'm sure that is no secret by now. Here I am literally shaking while I write because I have so much emotion, so much passion. Why should I be sorry? Yes, a majority of the words I have written are not to be shown to the public, but I got it out. I am able to get my feelings out. It is like screaming on top of a mountain. It is like crying until you can't breath, it is like laughing until it hurts. It is a rush of adrenaline. It is refreshing. It is cleansing. When I post something I am not looking for attention, I am not looking for praise. I am simply posting it because I want to help. I want you to feel. I want you to cry, to laugh, to smile... with me. Some could say that my words are too strong, but they're not. Guess what. It is emotion. There is no such thing as an emotion that is too strong. I write what I cannot speak. I write with strength, with power. I write because the paper cannot interrupt me. I write what is true for me. I write because writing does not scare me.

Words: A magical thing.

Writing letters for only my paper to read.

Never being sent out, these letters will sit.

Sit for days, months, years.

I write words that I want to say

words I need to say

words I will never gain the courage to say. 

My heart is in these words.

Maybe that is why they will never be sent,

I don't want them to be thrown away. 

These words are for minds to read,

for souls to feel.

These words are my thoughts.

Not just my thoughts.

Not just my heart.

But my entire being. 

My soul. 

I loved you too strong.

I need you still.

You will always be in my heart.

Words of pain that I caused.

Words of terror I felt. 

Here I am writing words now.

That you will never fucking read.

I hope that you can feel my soul. 

Writing letters that only my heart will read.

I write my soul. 

Story of 2009.

This year has come and gone, faster than any previous years. This year has also had the most changes, for many of us. I sit here in a place I once called home, no more than 4 months ago did I call this small town home. I have found a new home, in which I have found love in new places. I have found true happiness, I have found strength. It hurts to say that Puyallup is no longer my home, but a piece of my heart will always stay here. There is the saying of " Home is where the heart is." If this is true then I do not have one home; I have multiple. I have found a home in towns, in cities, in countries. I have found a home in the hearts of others. Home is where you find happiness. True happiness. My heart breaks when I think of all that was lost this past year. A grandmother that memories of laughter and home are made. A grandfather full of peace and comfort. A beginning friendship that never was allowed to become all it could. All of these, bodies, that are no longer with us; but their souls will remain in our hearts. Not only were these loved ones taken from my life, I also lost friendships. Although things will never be the same I still have memories. Memories that will stay in my mind and heart as long as I let them. Much was lost in this past year, but why dwell on the pain? Why do I deserve to think of the bitter times, when so much love was found in this year. Not only love in others, I found love in myself. I have been forced to think of my opinions of this world. I have been tested in my beliefs. I have been tested in life. I am finding more and more about who I am and who I want to become. It is an amazing journey that 2009 has brought me. I have met people from all over this country. I have become friends with so many new faces. I have found new hearts to call best friends. I have a soul in my life that has shown me I deserve love. This soul has shown how to feel passion, and how to show love. A soul that will one day change this world, whether help is there or not. I have found love in a pair of eyes that keep me safe. These eyes are connected with a heart that holds power over all. Along with a set of arms that will comfort me whether I am crying or laughing. This love I have found scares me. This fear is not a negative fear. No. This fear is a powerful, overwhelming feeling. It is a feeling that one gets when they have fallen. This heart changes lives with a simple glance. A glance with the kindest eyes you will ever meet. I have met a free soul. A soul in which I see myself. Yet, this soul is nothing like me. This soul has changed my life. This soul has made me look at life with an open mind. A soul I have tried to show that life holds more than what is being lived. Life is worth more. There have been many people, many hearts I have found but these are the ones that have spoke to me the most. These are the new found loves. Friendships have been strengthened. I have found life in a girl that holds my heart. She is my sister, she is my friend. This young woman is a woman who roars. It is becoming the strongest roar you will ever hear. Life will throw much at us. We will be tested, and some will fail. But we all must live each day. As this year came to it's last days, I found myself thinking about life much more. When will your last day be? No one knows. Therefor you must live. You must be proud, you must show no regret. There is not enough time to dwell on the past. Yes, that is much easier said than done, but we can all try. There will be days when we feel weak. There will be days where we feel as if there is no one out there to run to. Just know that you are not alone. There is life in every corner, sometimes you just have to open your eyes and run. So as we start a new year, and a new decade I am going to ask just that. Open your eyes.....and run. Love and be free. Hold close those you love, make sure they know how you feel. Never, never hide your feelings. This year....find your true happiness.

Patient.

“What do you value most in life?” I was asked this question recently and my immediate response was love and trust, which is very true. I was then asked, “do you trust me?” My response, if I did not trust you, I would not love you.

Love is something very special, almost sacred that most of us take for granted. I know I do. I mean, I know my family loves me, and I always assume that my friends and family know that I love them. But do I really show it? Do I express it enough that if someone close to me was asked if they thought I would do anything for them, they could immediately say “No doubt in my mind; she would.” I have been in quite the nostalgic mood lately, thinking of those I love and the memories we share. It is tough for me to think that many people in my life probably do not realize just how much I care for them. Many people do not realize the passion I have for them and everyone else around them. If I feel such a love for people I have just met, the love I feel for those I have known for years is a love that can move mountains. As cheesy as that sounds, it is so true. My passion in life is people. I want to give love, I want to give joy, I want to show passion. I want to change lives. How can I do this when people just think of me as the quiet girl in the corner? When people see me as just this, I am not taken seriously. I am not heard. If I am not heard how the hell am I supposed to change lives.

That is what this note is about I guess. Me speaking up, hoping that someone can get something, even the smallest thing, from this silly rant.

Okay, here it goes.

To love is to accept. If you truly love someone, you hold onto them. You may see the world in very different lenses, but that does not matter. Do not judge, do not put one down for expressing something they believe in. This world has enough hate, enough pain already. Take a lesson from those who do not speak from their heart. Their words are not real, their words show no passion. Give love challenges, give love adventures; if you challenge love, you strengthen love. Show love, speak love, be love. There are so many different types of love to be. There is a mother’s love, a father’s love, a grandmother’s love, a soul-mate’s love, a friend’s love, a lover’s love. There is simple love, passionate love; there is complex love and there is love at first sight. Time is slowly fading, whether you see this or not, time is going by. Tears are not worth loosing time. Keep your head high and show that you are confident in yourself; for you cannot love if you do not love yourself. Life needs to be lived in love. Whether you are in love with a person, in love with nature, in love with your god; live in love. Make mistakes in love. Yes, heartache will find you, it will find us all. If we did not feel even the smallest pain, we would not know the joy, the happiness that can come from life. For you, my dear, you hold something special. You must let your love flow through your veins. You must not be afraid of this passion. Let your heart wander. Wandering through fields of blue and oceans of red. Feel other’s emotions. Feel another’s love. Let your love flirt with danger, let your heart argue with God. Find love in multiple places. Do not settle in one destination, keep wandering until your heart stops beating. Keep on a journey that will never fail to surprise. Love will be found in the least expected place, but in order to find that, you must be patient. 

Peace

It has been on year since my grandmother passed, and in just a couple weeks it will be a year since my grandfather on the other side passed. It has been on my mind a lot lately. Just how fast life goes. How nothing is ever certain. Just because no one knows what is going to happen in the next hour. The main thing that has been on my mind is regret. Why do we waste many months even years regretting something we will never be able to change? I know that there are things that I have regretted doing but I try to spend a small amount of my time thinking about it. I will soon realize that life goes on, it is in the past, the past I cannot change so why worry about it? If I hurt some one I love I will ask for forgiveness, for that is all I can do. If you spend your time holding a grudge against me, what is the point? The best thing we can do is try and talk it out, if it does not work, then maybe we are not supposed to be in each others lives any more. Please just get it into your head that I am human I am going to mess up, get over it; you are going to mess up too, a lot. That is what we do, mess up and then learn from what we did. Just give that one person another chance, you might just be the friend they absolutely need. Just give love and receive love. In this life of the unexpected spend time smiling instead of crying.


This is a small word I wrote about my grandmother a few weeks after she passed. It may not make sense to you but each word holds an amount of love no human could describe.

A PEACEFUL PLACE

I am in love with a soul.
She is an eagle
A cat
A horse
A deer.
I am in love with a heart that beats
Beats
Beats…
I am in love
I am
Love.
Love.
She holds my hand.
She runs through the field
Laughing
That belly out, head back, legs crossed
Type of
Laughter.
She sings
Songs of
Love
Joy
Peace
Songs that touch
That brings tears to your eyes.
Your eyes.
Eyes that crease from smiles
Eyes that leak from love.
Love.
I am in love.
In love with a woman.
A woman who shares my blood.
My blood.
A woman who cares, who loves
Who runs
Through fields of
Pink.
A woman whose spirit
Stays with
Me.
A spirit that laughs that talks that holds
My
Hand.
As I walk
Down
Every single aisle that will
Come.
I am in love with a woman
Who
Lives.
Lives in the most peaceful place this world will
ever know.
She lives
Inside
My heart.
I am in love with a soul.


~ Allyson McBride

Grandpa

I cannot express the emotions I am feeling today. When one thing gets me, it all hits me. I don't know why my grandfather's passing is hitting me so bad today. It has almost been a year since he passed. It was just a few short weeks after my grandmother on the other side. Maybe that is one reason it hit so hard, I was still getting over her passing, and his was such a shock. There was so much I didn't get to say to him, so much he didn't know about me. It was unexpected, yes, but is that really what hits the most? I don't think so. I think what is making me hurt is all the things I never told him. All of the hugs I missed out on. He understood me, he understood all of us kids. He was a kid at heart, always. So many memories of silly songs, candy, and smiles. One favorite memory took place at the cabin, one of the last times I was up there. Lisa and I were up at the road, doing something, not sure what, and here comes grandpa whipping around on the little old dirt bike. Seeing that huge smile on his sweet face just brings joy to anyone's heart. There were the times that he was silly and there were the times when he was sly. He would get that devilish look in his eye, and you would know he was up to something sneaky. All of these small but love-filled memories that get me through moments like today. Moments when a simple phrase of "oh my grandfather got my dad a shaving kit like that", or "my grandpa was a WWII vet" brings tears to my eyes. Just those simple words make my heart ache. I have thought about this sweet old man a lot throughout the past year but no tears have been shed since I saw him being lowered. Since I saw a wife curse him for leaving this world before her, two sons silently let tears fall as they held their daughters, and three grandchildren standing there with tear stained cheeks, trying to breath through each painful sob. Now I silently cry; one tear slowly reaching my chin. I don't understand why certain, simple words or objects cause this pain, no one understands what sparks the pain or why it sparks when it does, but we accept it and we have to feel it. Truly feel whatever emotion is hitting. There is so much I want to say but can't. There are so many hugs I want to feel but cannot. My grandfather was one of the greatest men I will ever know. I cannot express how much I miss him. The first time I go back to the cabin will be one of the hardest moments in my life. Being in their home was hard enough. Waiting to hear his whistle coming up the stairs, not going downstairs until the last night because that was his area that is where he went to sleep. The cabin is where many memories I have with him were created. I can just hope that when I go back, he will be there. Just as Auntie Joyce is there. I will wait until I hear his whistle in the trees, feel his joy in the sun. That man was a gift to all that knew him. I feel as though I took him for granted. Never telling him how much he meant to me, to my life. Never showing him how happy I am and what a young woman I have become. Although he knew I loved him, it had been years since he heard those words form out of my mouth. The guilt, the regret I feel will never go away, but the memories, those simple happy memories will help the pain when it decides to show once again.