This is me.

Here I am in my junior year of college, almost a senior standing. And I have no idea what the hell I want to do with my life. Something that I have been thinking a lot about lately is just that…. What the hell do I want to do? It seems so simple yet, I cannot wrap my mind around it. It isn’t that I cannot think of something, it is that I can think of too many things. Now, we all know that I write to get what I want to say, out. So that is what this is about, getting out what I have been thinking for months now. I know that there are people that are going to read this and may be disappointed in me. Parents, sisters, brother, any family, some friends, this next bit is for you. I truly appreciate everything you do, I may not show it like I should, but I truly take everything you say to me strongly to my heart. But I have recently discovered that what I am doing here is what YOU want me to do, and not what I want to do for myself. Please, understand that what I am about to write is all from my heart, and please try to read it as if you were me, or in my situation. This is the best way for me to just get it all out. Your opinion of me is everything to me. So know that this is painful enough to write and to just imagine what you may be thinking. But this is my life. Okay, now for what this is all about…. I have struggled. Struggled a lot. Academics do not come easy for me, like most. I am not one of those people that can study the night before a test and get away with an A not even a C. The hard thing is that I know this, yet I still do it to myself. Maybe it is because I’m just an average 20 year old who is a master at procrastination, or maybe it is possible that I am doing this to myself on purpose. Now bare with me, you may think this is absolutely absurd, but again, this is my heart, you are NOT allowed to judge my heart or soul. I think I may be doing this to myself on purpose. I think it is because I am truly not happy with where I am going, and I just want an excuse out of it, so failing is that excuse, as absolutely horrible as that sounds. I am NOT doing this to myself anymore, and here is why… About a month ago, I went to talk with an advisor about my options, where can I go, what should I do, am I in the right place. She is the one who has turned my life around, I owe some of this to her. But also, I owe it to my mother, who has been telling me this for years, but I always just thought she was saying it because she had to. Also, watching her discover her passion after many years has encouraged me to go after mine. Anyways… this advisor sits me down and the first thing she asks me is, “what do you like to do?” Not academically, but what is your passion, what makes you….you? Let me tell you, I was literally speechless for a moment. I mean, this was the last thing I was expecting. I was expecting to go in, have her tell me the basics, and I would be out in maybe 30 minutes, think again. So, I sit back, and basically speak my soul to this stranger. About an hour and 45 minutes later, I am leaving, with a huge weight off my shoulders. I have been told, that I need to do something that I will be successful at, something that will make me money, and well off. Here’s what I have to say to that… fuck money. It causes pain, war, and all around anger. Yes, I know that in this world it is something that is needed. I will make it there, but I will only be successful at something, if it is something that I can put my heart into. Because that is how I do things. I go into it with my heart. All of it. It’s just how I am. And I think I have been pretty damn successful so far. So, I am now doing this my way. I will take all the advise and help I can get, but please know that I will be successful, I will make a name for myself, but the only way I can do that is my way. I will write, I will love, I will have the passion that the higher power made me with. I will be me. And there is nothing you can do about it. I apologize to so many people, but most importantly to my self, for how long this has taken me to figure out. I have had a quote as my background for quite some time now… “I need to get my shit together.” Well, I think I just did. This is me, this is how I am going to be. I am going to major in what I have passion for. What challenges me, what keeps my passion alive. I will make the money you wish for me to make, but I am going to make it in my own way. Know that when I have a passion, when I have the drive, when I see something I want. I succeed. There have been many situations where you have been able to witness this part of me, if you have been paying attention, so if you have, you know that it is true. I am no longer ashamed of where I am at, I am no longer embarrassed of what I do. I am realizing that this is my life, you can’t make it for me. I have to make the mistakes, I have to find the right way. I still will take advice, I will still need shoulders to lean on once in awhile. But from here on out, I’m going to be me, who I am supposed to be. Not who I thought I needed to be.