Why I write

Life has these moments, where all you can do is just sit down and think, did that really just happen? It’s like you were just slapped in the face by the person you trust the most, and you have no idea why. Moments where, no matter how hard you try, you just cannot stop thinking about your first love and what would happen if things had been different. Times where all you can think about is the pain you are feeling from everything that has happened and is happening in your heart. Life loves to shove your face in every single mistake, every single time you messed up.
Then there are the moments where all you can think about is the beauty that is surrounding you. All you can do is just stare at the water flowing by so peacefully, so gracefully. Moments when you hear that child’s laugh that fills your soul with warmth. When a best friend calls you in the middle of the night and helps you through all the tears that you are loosing, for reasons you will never understand. There are those seconds when you hear that some one has found so much love and happiness they are making it a permanent part of their life and announce their engagement. All you can do is sit down and think, is this really happening. Like you were just filled with all the love you have ever known and pain has never been apart of your soul. There are those moments when you stand up to anger, sadness, pain, and tell it to fuck off. You tell it that you are strong, you show the true you, and show how much love you have and will never forget about.
These, all of these moments, are why I write. I write because there are no words I can verbally use to express myself in certain moments life throws at me. I write to let it out, to show my strength, because I am strong when I am writing. Nothing can hold me back, nothing can interrupt me. When I write, I am not only writing about moments I have experienced, I am writing about what my heart, my soul, every part of my is feeling. I don’t write to offend, I write to inform. I write about situations we all go through, we all feel. I write so that others can relate, so that you know that you are not alone in what you are feeling.

I write to leave an impact.

It is time.

The other night I was having one of those, I cannot sleep, there is way too much on my mind, type of nights. We all love those, right? Ha, not! I thought I was about to explode. You see, I have this memory that has been haunting me for quite some time now. A memory of something that was so long ago, yet my silly little mind continues to bring it to the surface. After playing events and words that were said over and over again, something just came over me. I sat up and said, “That’s it! Time for you to stop haunting me.” Amazingly enough, it left. It ran away so fast that I didn’t even get to say good-bye. I think it is exactly what I needed. I have been trying to say good-bye for too long, it just needed to disappear. I haven’t felt so free of myself in a very long time, and am singing out with joy for feeling this way. I realized that it was me holding on to it, not it holding on to me. Life seems to do this thing to me, where I think that I just need to hold on to something, someone, in order for it or them to stay real; to stay fresh. I think that this night was a “wake-up call.” As cliché as that sounds, I truly believe it to be real. It was all in my mind. So, after realizing this, I took a hold of myself and set things straight between my mind and my heart.
Now just because I say I set myself free from this memory does not mean that I never will think about it again. I just look at it in a different light now. This is something I have come to believe that we all must do. Just step back, take a deep breath and look at what we are holding on to. Is it really that important to be taking over your thoughts, your dreams? I miss this memory, very much, and will continue to, but it does not haunt me. Nor will I ever let it do so, ever, again. It is time to breath, to let go, to move on. It is time for me, and possibly you, it is time to find our souls, to find our peace. It is time to let our minds and our hearts be free from the past.

I am a woman.

Who am I? I was not proud, I was not strong. You changed that my darling. I am a woman, with long graceful fingers. Fingers that can play like the sound of spring. My body, it curves. Curves in the ways of life. Every 28 days I am reminded. Spots of crimson just like that red silk. I can give life and keep this world from dying. You reminded me. These emotions not a burden but a joy. Rising and falling just like the water that falls from the sky. Touching the lips, these luscious lips that can cure any cry. I am proud. Proud of the love I can give. These days you do remind me of the ways I can talk, the ways I can walk. I am proud. Walking with my head so high in the sky, like every star in that sky. My eyes, well you remind me that they sparkle just as bright as those high stars do…up in that big dark sky. As for my strength. It is not visible, tangible, even describable. It is emotional. Strong enough to make an angry child smile and any tough boy cry. Who am I? I am proud, I am strong. I am…a woman.

Memories.

Unable to sleep she gets out of bed.
She walked by his house tonight night.
The moon shining so bright, holding the sky as its prisoner.
She shivers as she sees the boards covering the windows that once gave a light that called all in.
She opens the majestic door.
Walking in, the memories drown her.
Memories of laughter and of happiness.
She remembers the love that they shared so long ago.
Now white sheets cover the once beautiful, once alive, furniture.
Unable to sense the mystery of the home,
She closes her eyes.
Listening carefully she hears the sounds of all the guests that were there that horrid night.
All in white, dancing in every corner.
A tear streams down her cheek as she remember the events that happened so fast.
She remembers the fear she saw in ever single eye.
Closing the door behind her, she closes the door on the pain.
Looking up to the clear, powerful night sky, she says a prayer.
Sitting down on the steps she remembers one last time.

My brother.

Times are rough. We make mistakes, we face our fears. We ride this roller coaster we call life. We hold on with all our being. Don't take for granted this love I hold for you. The past is in the past. I have always been there, I will always be standing right by your side. Blood runs thick through our veins. Blood that we share. This blood that we share with many, but none that understand what we feel. Hold on tight to this love I have for you. Always remember that you are in my thoughts every single day of this life. I don't know all that has been done. I don't know all that will come to be. One thing that I am for sure of with all my soul is that you share my blood. That will never change. Family is forever. I know that you have heard this many times. I know that we both have been uncertain many times. It is more true than you will ever know. When it feels that all is lost, that you have nothing left to live for... I plea that you will remember me. Remember that I care. That I will never stop caring. Never give up hope. Know that life could always be worse. Know that there is always light at the end... you just cannot give up. Know that I am holding your hand every step of the way and I will not let go until the day I die.

Haunting eyes

The words that he doesn’t say,
those are the words that she hears louder than any spoken line.

She looks into his eyes when he has no idea she is looking.
She reads between the lines.

The words that he doesn’t say.

She can see how he loves her… how he misses her.

Her mind flowing with thoughts of pain, thoughts of old times, thoughts of love and growth.

He lets his life go on, trying to forget the way his heart aches. He hides that loss, the loss that she sees.

Unknowingly she holds on.
She holds on with dear life. Thriving on every look she can get.

She can see so many things in those haunting eyes.

Words that she knows she should hear, but is so afraid to truly hear.

He feels her presence as she watches him, trying to feed his mind with words of sorrow. Words of love. Words of passion.

The words she sees stay strong in her mind.

But the kiss in his eyes haunts her even more.

My soul will never stop dancing for you.

Open your eyes, my friend. Look at what you are missing. Look at the hearts you have hurt. Some that loved you most, now flinch in terror at your name. What happened? Don't tell me life. Tell me what really happened. 

Things have changed. Things will continue changing. It is apart of life right? Then why is it so damn hard? Why does it kill me to be in a room full of people who are so loving, so close, such a big part of my life but yet I have this feeling, this aching feeling of jealousy? Jealousy of their relationships. Jealousy of their memories. I cannot help but think... I used to have this, I used to be in a group this close. What happened? I know, I know... life happened, right? 

How can a group that was once so close barely even talk any more? Aren't true friends supposed to stick by your side no matter what? Doesn't a relationship take both sides? 

I have tried. I have tried my hardest to keep relationships alive and strong but a heart can only take so much. Now I sit back, waiting for that phone call, for that email, text... whatever. Just some sort of a reach out... just some sort of a " I still care." But I keep sitting.

Alone.

But not alone.

I have these amazing people around me. But the relationships we share are still so new... so fresh. Still in the beginning... still figuring out what is right, what is to far. 

This heart of mine is a blessing, but at the same time such a burden. 

I cannot let go. I still think of relationships that ended years ago. It is not because I am afraid of change. I have found that I thrive on change. I need change...

It is because I value, I care, I love.

I love with all I have. It is who I am. Sometimes it is too strong. But get used to it. Feel it. Soak it up. It may be a love that only I can show. Even if we haven't talked in years. I am always here.

Always here. 

You can let me sit here. In my peace of love. You can let me sit here while my soul dances, but when you come crawling back, I will be here. My heart will never close. My soul will never stop dancing for you. My heart will never shut down. 

They act like they are too good for me, for many. All I can think is that, one day you will realize how fucked up your views are. One day you will realize what love you have been missing out on. It may not be my specific love that you come to realize you are missing, but you shut out so many that do not walk your walk. 

True, life gives us these pains. But there is more to the story than "life."

So tell your story.... what really happened.