Memories.

Unable to sleep she gets out of bed.
She walked by his house tonight night.
The moon shining so bright, holding the sky as its prisoner.
She shivers as she sees the boards covering the windows that once gave a light that called all in.
She opens the majestic door.
Walking in, the memories drown her.
Memories of laughter and of happiness.
She remembers the love that they shared so long ago.
Now white sheets cover the once beautiful, once alive, furniture.
Unable to sense the mystery of the home,
She closes her eyes.
Listening carefully she hears the sounds of all the guests that were there that horrid night.
All in white, dancing in every corner.
A tear streams down her cheek as she remember the events that happened so fast.
She remembers the fear she saw in ever single eye.
Closing the door behind her, she closes the door on the pain.
Looking up to the clear, powerful night sky, she says a prayer.
Sitting down on the steps she remembers one last time.

My brother.

Times are rough. We make mistakes, we face our fears. We ride this roller coaster we call life. We hold on with all our being. Don't take for granted this love I hold for you. The past is in the past. I have always been there, I will always be standing right by your side. Blood runs thick through our veins. Blood that we share. This blood that we share with many, but none that understand what we feel. Hold on tight to this love I have for you. Always remember that you are in my thoughts every single day of this life. I don't know all that has been done. I don't know all that will come to be. One thing that I am for sure of with all my soul is that you share my blood. That will never change. Family is forever. I know that you have heard this many times. I know that we both have been uncertain many times. It is more true than you will ever know. When it feels that all is lost, that you have nothing left to live for... I plea that you will remember me. Remember that I care. That I will never stop caring. Never give up hope. Know that life could always be worse. Know that there is always light at the end... you just cannot give up. Know that I am holding your hand every step of the way and I will not let go until the day I die.

Haunting eyes

The words that he doesn’t say,
those are the words that she hears louder than any spoken line.

She looks into his eyes when he has no idea she is looking.
She reads between the lines.

The words that he doesn’t say.

She can see how he loves her… how he misses her.

Her mind flowing with thoughts of pain, thoughts of old times, thoughts of love and growth.

He lets his life go on, trying to forget the way his heart aches. He hides that loss, the loss that she sees.

Unknowingly she holds on.
She holds on with dear life. Thriving on every look she can get.

She can see so many things in those haunting eyes.

Words that she knows she should hear, but is so afraid to truly hear.

He feels her presence as she watches him, trying to feed his mind with words of sorrow. Words of love. Words of passion.

The words she sees stay strong in her mind.

But the kiss in his eyes haunts her even more.

My soul will never stop dancing for you.

Open your eyes, my friend. Look at what you are missing. Look at the hearts you have hurt. Some that loved you most, now flinch in terror at your name. What happened? Don't tell me life. Tell me what really happened. 

Things have changed. Things will continue changing. It is apart of life right? Then why is it so damn hard? Why does it kill me to be in a room full of people who are so loving, so close, such a big part of my life but yet I have this feeling, this aching feeling of jealousy? Jealousy of their relationships. Jealousy of their memories. I cannot help but think... I used to have this, I used to be in a group this close. What happened? I know, I know... life happened, right? 

How can a group that was once so close barely even talk any more? Aren't true friends supposed to stick by your side no matter what? Doesn't a relationship take both sides? 

I have tried. I have tried my hardest to keep relationships alive and strong but a heart can only take so much. Now I sit back, waiting for that phone call, for that email, text... whatever. Just some sort of a reach out... just some sort of a " I still care." But I keep sitting.

Alone.

But not alone.

I have these amazing people around me. But the relationships we share are still so new... so fresh. Still in the beginning... still figuring out what is right, what is to far. 

This heart of mine is a blessing, but at the same time such a burden. 

I cannot let go. I still think of relationships that ended years ago. It is not because I am afraid of change. I have found that I thrive on change. I need change...

It is because I value, I care, I love.

I love with all I have. It is who I am. Sometimes it is too strong. But get used to it. Feel it. Soak it up. It may be a love that only I can show. Even if we haven't talked in years. I am always here.

Always here. 

You can let me sit here. In my peace of love. You can let me sit here while my soul dances, but when you come crawling back, I will be here. My heart will never close. My soul will never stop dancing for you. My heart will never shut down. 

They act like they are too good for me, for many. All I can think is that, one day you will realize how fucked up your views are. One day you will realize what love you have been missing out on. It may not be my specific love that you come to realize you are missing, but you shut out so many that do not walk your walk. 

True, life gives us these pains. But there is more to the story than "life."

So tell your story.... what really happened. 

You Learn

**not my writing but I love this.




After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn...
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth...
And you learn and learn...
With every good-bye you learn.




Jorge Luis Borges
Translation by Veronica A. Shoffstall

Old friend.

I had a dream about you last night.
It was nice, it was warm. We were at the beach and we were walking in the water. You took me by the hands and swung me around. Up, and out of the waves. We were laughing. We were happy. Everyone was there.

I have dreams about you a lot. Dreams that mean more to me than I could ever say. A love that strong never dies. You were my best friend. I wish with all my heart that I could get that back. But I know that I cannot.

We move on, we all move on. It is apart of life. I will never let you go. I will never forget the happy moments, like this dream shows. I hope that one day we can be close again. I hope that one day you will truly share your heart with me.

All these hopes, I can write. All these dreams I can pray, will one day come true. I am and will always be here. I always have. I'm sorry that we both forgot that.

I sit here tonight, dreaming that one day we will have a love if not as strong as it used to be, strong enough to keep us close. I sit here waiting for you to reach out. I have reached almost as far as my soul will let me. One day I will be able to reach no further. I hope that you grab on before that day comes upon us. My dear, old, friend.









**I feel I must make one thing clear. This post is not about a single person. It is about multiple. Multiple relationships all different in their own way.

I am not sorry.

When I write, I do not write lightly. I am going to write what is on my mind, what is on my heart. It may be overwhelming, especially for those who know it is about them. My emotions are strong, stronger than most. Or maybe I just show them, when others hold them in. I have apologized many times, but I want to clear some things up. I am not sorry. Why should I apologize for what I feel? No one can control how they feel, what they feel. As much as we want to, as much as we try to, we can't. All things pass with time, sure, but sometimes that time is years. No one should hold things in, it is not good for your mind, your heart, or your soul. We all must find a way to get certain feelings out. Trust me, you will feel a hell of a lot better. My way is to write. I'm sure that is no secret by now. Here I am literally shaking while I write because I have so much emotion, so much passion. Why should I be sorry? Yes, a majority of the words I have written are not to be shown to the public, but I got it out. I am able to get my feelings out. It is like screaming on top of a mountain. It is like crying until you can't breath, it is like laughing until it hurts. It is a rush of adrenaline. It is refreshing. It is cleansing. When I post something I am not looking for attention, I am not looking for praise. I am simply posting it because I want to help. I want you to feel. I want you to cry, to laugh, to smile... with me. Some could say that my words are too strong, but they're not. Guess what. It is emotion. There is no such thing as an emotion that is too strong. I write what I cannot speak. I write with strength, with power. I write because the paper cannot interrupt me. I write what is true for me. I write because writing does not scare me.