Grandpa

I cannot express the emotions I am feeling today. When one thing gets me, it all hits me. I don't know why my grandfather's passing is hitting me so bad today. It has almost been a year since he passed. It was just a few short weeks after my grandmother on the other side. Maybe that is one reason it hit so hard, I was still getting over her passing, and his was such a shock. There was so much I didn't get to say to him, so much he didn't know about me. It was unexpected, yes, but is that really what hits the most? I don't think so. I think what is making me hurt is all the things I never told him. All of the hugs I missed out on. He understood me, he understood all of us kids. He was a kid at heart, always. So many memories of silly songs, candy, and smiles. One favorite memory took place at the cabin, one of the last times I was up there. Lisa and I were up at the road, doing something, not sure what, and here comes grandpa whipping around on the little old dirt bike. Seeing that huge smile on his sweet face just brings joy to anyone's heart. There were the times that he was silly and there were the times when he was sly. He would get that devilish look in his eye, and you would know he was up to something sneaky. All of these small but love-filled memories that get me through moments like today. Moments when a simple phrase of "oh my grandfather got my dad a shaving kit like that", or "my grandpa was a WWII vet" brings tears to my eyes. Just those simple words make my heart ache. I have thought about this sweet old man a lot throughout the past year but no tears have been shed since I saw him being lowered. Since I saw a wife curse him for leaving this world before her, two sons silently let tears fall as they held their daughters, and three grandchildren standing there with tear stained cheeks, trying to breath through each painful sob. Now I silently cry; one tear slowly reaching my chin. I don't understand why certain, simple words or objects cause this pain, no one understands what sparks the pain or why it sparks when it does, but we accept it and we have to feel it. Truly feel whatever emotion is hitting. There is so much I want to say but can't. There are so many hugs I want to feel but cannot. My grandfather was one of the greatest men I will ever know. I cannot express how much I miss him. The first time I go back to the cabin will be one of the hardest moments in my life. Being in their home was hard enough. Waiting to hear his whistle coming up the stairs, not going downstairs until the last night because that was his area that is where he went to sleep. The cabin is where many memories I have with him were created. I can just hope that when I go back, he will be there. Just as Auntie Joyce is there. I will wait until I hear his whistle in the trees, feel his joy in the sun. That man was a gift to all that knew him. I feel as though I took him for granted. Never telling him how much he meant to me, to my life. Never showing him how happy I am and what a young woman I have become. Although he knew I loved him, it had been years since he heard those words form out of my mouth. The guilt, the regret I feel will never go away, but the memories, those simple happy memories will help the pain when it decides to show once again.